


Badass Villains Don't Write in Dear Diary

by ghostdreaming



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe, Ancient Youth or Youthful One of Exeptionally Advanced Age, Angst and Humor, Another Writing Experiment, Author was tired of the seemingly obligatory het in Gen novels, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Side of Heroic Rightiousness, Figuring Out One's Feelings For Others, Figuring Out Oneself, Magical Fantasy/Science Fiction/Superhero World, Not Beta Read, Other, Overly Blunt Thoughts/Talk of Sex, Physical Near- Complete Genderlessness, Plushies of the Emperor of Doom?, Rating May Change, Sexless Second in Command and Confidant, Start Of A Unconventional Relationship, The Good Guy Is The Top Supervillain Evil Overlord, Unconventionality and Original Thinking, Violence, Wearing Cross-Gender and Gender-Neutral Clothing Due To Sexlessness, attempted sexual coersion, bad language, especially the ones with young protagonists, nasty individual calling someone a 'thing'
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-07 18:19:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1908990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostdreaming/pseuds/ghostdreaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>( Updated Jan. 30th 2016 with new summary. Still working on next chapter! )<br/>Not being interested in being 'Romantic' or not finding anyone's body alluring, or even having your own body not fit the gender definitions, does not make one evil. Though being a big bad evil does make most people back off about it... the plus of having a uncontrollable chaos power really helps too.<br/>But who would think the new Dark Paladin could turn out to be some poor kid who so doesn't need even more identity issues ruining his life.....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once again somethings with a whole range of subjective meanings in both science and societies. In this case Asexual, Androgynous, Unsexed, Unisexual, Demisexual (where one is only sexually attracted to certain individuals after having become emotionally/personally close to them) and similar types of concepts. Once again I'm using them as 'physical' descriptions including for a main character who is physically nearly as completely genderless/ sexless as you can possibly get. There will be some describing of body details involved with this including a uni-sex/intersex type features. This is not for the purpose of having it be a source of ridicule or insult! I am not having it as a deformity or as anything 'wrong' with the character( or any of the other ones similar)- it's just the way 'he' was made. And the main character is a 'he' based solely on personal pronoun preference. There is also an entirely physically sexless character, as in no sexual/gender features at all, who favors 'it' so that is how it will be referred to as. Most of the other aspects of these character's looks, preferences, interests, and such are neither the causes or the results of their mental/physical Asexual/Androgyny but parts of their individual personal traits. I view natural Asexuality( as in the lack of interest/enjoyment in acts of sexual intercourse) as having, like heterosexuality, bisexuality, and homosexuality, different levels/degrees/ranges ( And please nobody pull out their 'the Experts Opinion' I'm never impressed with the thinking that expert means 'knows all and can't be wrong').  
> I make no claim that anything here is completely accurate for everyone since there seems to be as many variations on sexuality as there are individuals.

There was an incredibly well worn plush toy sitting on the arm of the Most Ultimate Of All The Thrones Of Doom.

The Succubus Queen standing before it was finding this to be rather disconcerting. Resulting in her subsequently adjusting her spike-covered, heavy leather, dominatrix outfit enough times to give tell her nervisness.

Mainly because it looked so.....without significance.

It wasn't a jarringly pristine bit of evidence of innocent life sitting amidst gore and horror. Or a destroyed wreck that pantomimed the corpse of a ghastly murdered victim of some crazed killer.

It was a old, gently cared for, fluffy, unidentifiable thing with a great big, brand new, colorfully bright bow.

If she looked way up towards where the throne's back disappeared far out of sight in the vastness of heights she would have seen the cheerfully carved bird tied on a string and dangling from the Staff of Cloud Stabbing. But thankfully, for her own piece of mind, she missed that.

A giant dog, specifically one of the monstrously massive breed known as a Yalun Hells Hound, strolled by the seat casually scooping up and carried away the cloth object on the way past.

The feared supreme evil power of the entire universe, and a few neighboring ones as well as a number of 'slight footholds' in other places, had meanwhile cocked his(?) head at her.

"Yes, what do you want?" Eyes that were glowing golden fire turned to red flames with narrow reptilian pupils of bright indigo. 

 Flanking the throne was also The Dread Emperor's two closest....people.

 Zlyx's second- in- command, named Ee, looked like an ashen-grey colored something made of long sharp needles and lengths of thin wire, with disproportionately oversized hands and feet, and knobby knotty joints. It looked like a insanely over-exaggeratedly caricatured mad cross between a mosquito, a dragonfly, a humanoid, and a length of string. It was also the Head Councilor/ Chief Advisor and the one in charge of most of the aspects of a government that involved organization and paperwork.

On their ruler's opposite side, and also contrastingly completely by being a shape on the absolute other end of the scale for body-types, was High General Goo. Tiny and rotund, in a way that was wider than she was tall, she was shaped like an uncooked bread roll. A green toadish thing. She didn't so much have individual appendages as much as faint creases that gave the impressions of the bottom of a head, the trace of the inner arm, or the line where two legs were pressed together. A delicate pair of spectacles sat perched on the scowling beady featured face. 

 What the Queen saw was her instant way to absolute power.

The one who was considered to be her ruler was just a boy. Young, yet still old enough for her natural powers to overwhelm. Instinctively she arched, gave a little stretch, 'innocently' made a couple of bounces, and shimmy/slunk/strode forward in a manner that was irresistibly provocative to all.  

The Head Councilor stiffened in disapproval but given that the 'thing' was, quite visibly because it was forgoing clothing that day, without anything at all, as far as she could see, and therefore entirely flatly smooth, completely sexless she wasn't too surprised it wasn't reacting like anyone normal.  

Her metal-studded boots conquered the steps up the dais to the royal throne and she rose up advancing till heaving leather encased bosom loomed triumphantly a mere hairsbreadth from the small male's startled face. Bending close so her blood-red painted lips nearly touched his ear she moaned softly, breathless, and high....before snarling out a growled command. "Fall to your knees at the feet of your Mistress you small,pathetic, insignificant worm!" Hitting him with the full force of her sex appeal.

His evilness' nose crinkled. "That's stupid."

"What-?" She staggered a little as she was elbowed out of his personal space.

"And would you please back off."

The High General looked ready to jump in and forcibly remove her from their lord's proximity.

Not daunted, too much, by the unfathomable hitch in proceedings she continued on. " You really want it. It's what you neeed! Deep down you crave it! My touch. My body."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do. Everyone does. Maybe you just don't know it or want to admit to it yet."

" Not me."

" Of course you. Its natural. Its the strongest influence there is! The motive behind it all! Sex and procreation is the whole reason for existing!"

"Not mine."

" Mine neither."

"I know I've never found any appeal to it." 

"And if one were to look closely at real life instead of parroting ignorant public opinion and blindly following socially assumed pre-arranged roles, which I know you won't, you may find that in truth is very different and usually quite the opposite."

The succumbs ignored the voiced opinions of the emperor's minions- they didn't matter anyway. 

"You really aren't grown are you!" The smoothness of his features possibly really were the signs of actual underdevelopment. 

" No actually I really am entirely mature...more so than you. And I'm also becoming rather put out with people trying to convince me to want something when I know I do not. It has gotten out of hand."

 "How many does this make it this year?"

" Let's see... There was the rather dim barbarian thug who thought I was a teenaged girl-."

" Granted you were wearing the leather kilt and oversized shoulder pads with the spikes which is evidently veeery popular with some of the 'tough, rough, mad, bad, mean, loud, and rude' feminine sets with varying degrees of...'strength' at the moment." There was a pointed head tilt in the direction of their guest and her wardrobe.

" Ah. All right then. Anyway before that was that Evil Knight with his whole ' You're my whore now sissy cunt!"

"You do like your longer styles in more gown-like choices."

" Not helping. And then there was that creepy one with the short ruffled skirt and pig-tail hair-style."

" Yeech, I'm still trying to get that image out of my head!"

" Me too. Oh and the temple virgin princess with the see-through dress."

" Don't forget the ' poor, ordinary, normal, teenagers with unbelievable powers and ultimate destinies'!"

" Why not? They were irritating."

"Remember also that 'holy' wizard?"

" That one was hilarious!" 

"Oh, and that loud woman!"

" You took one look at her dress and demanded the country supply all their fabric dye secrets!"

"No that was you!"    

"I'll never forget that one who snuck into that hotel's private baths and threatened to cut things off!"

"What I remember is the look on his face when you and Ee showed him you didn't have any private bits he could cut off!" Zlyx had more than Ee 'down there' but it was a small lump with a slitted hole like a cross between the genitalia of both male and female humans' only far smaller, smoother, and indistinct. And like Ee he possessed no internal reproductive organs either.

The queen's gasp of horrified disgust interrupted the three friends' reminiscing. " By the Pits of Suffering, no wonder you're so small! You're nothing but a girl-boy!"

 "No, Ee and I are both neither. The Dread Mount on the other hand is cross-gendered, both a male and a female and it is one of the reasons he grew to be the biggest." The emperor sneered.

The Dread Mount was a mountain sized and shaped hump-backed creature who's chest was so deep it almost brushed the ground, stubby legs that were so short in comparison to the bulky body as to be near nothings, and had a set of permanent antlers like horizon dominating pointy-edged cloudbanks. His name was Baroque.  

" Now you may escort out guest out General." What went unsaid was the implied 'before I murder her in a unnecessarily violent and gory manner out of disgust'.

"My lord, as I was about to tell you before we were interrupted, there is an urgent matter regarding the Defenders of Goodness Fellowship!" Sure it as another unpleasant subject but at lest it would work to distract their lord from becoming......dramatic.

 "Oh wonderful. What do they want now?"

"They're issuing a formal challenge."

" The actual fighting will be representatives then."

" We don't have any champions!"

"We'll need to get a Paladin."

" Summoning a Great Demon from some deepest hells or Dungeon Dimension always works."   


	2. Devlin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to have been a little one-shot! Now there is a whole plot-thing going on.....I don't need another plot-thing going on!

"Oi! Hot chick!"

"Where?"

"Wow!"

"Com'on guys, can't we just play the game?"

" Aww, I forgot Devil doesn't like girls!"

"Just ignore them Devlin. Here Elf- Glam has their 'Top 20 Dreamiest Males' in this issue. You can barrow it if you want." Stargem patted the space on the seat closer to her.

"No thanks."

" Whoa, a 200, a 0 and a 0? Yikes, Dev, I didn't know a person could actually get the worst dice roll ever! That's like going up against Emperor Zlyx level of bad!" Indo was at least  paying attention to their game of 'Real Heroes' but even Devlin's best friend, since before they could walk, was apparently more interested in sneaking glances at Stargem...or possibly the pictures in the magazine she was looking at.

They all used to be so close. And now it was like they were different people than the ones he'd used to know. They'd changed.

And he....hadn't?

Yes. No!...Maybe? He didn't know!

One of the biggest problems seemed to be the huge preoccupation everyone else seemed to have with things involving dating and sex.

Actually a lot of the time he was as interested, or even more interested, in it than they were. Only it wasn't in the same way. They always focused on their involvement or how they wanted to be involved in it in whatever way with whoever. Devlin didn't.

Adult family members threw around sayings like 'just a late bloomer', 'when you meet the right person it will all change', or ' its better to take it slow and not rush these things' reassuringly but it was also as if they were trying to be consoling or something. Especially if you added their puzzled surprise every few weeks when they discover that the situation hadn't changed ....

It wasn't as if he had ever received some bad scare or traumatic experience or anything! Nothing even close! That had been another thing family members had worriedly scrutinized over to make absolutely sure of. And as much as he loved them for their protectiveness and concern over the idea....

And everything seemed to be in.... working order. Nothing was shaped wrong or had any peculiarities. There was no pains or swelling when or where there wasn't supposed to be. His doctor always declared him completely healthy on all his physicals.

He'd even masturbated before....At lest a few times.....maybe.....Or at lest he thinks he did?

The way he'd gone about it the first time was even in one of the ways it was supposed to first happen. He'd gotten ahold of a magazine with 'those' kind of pictures in it ( which in following years retrying the same thing again hoping for better results he'd discovered had been quite tame in reality) and raced to his most private and secretest hiding place. Where out of breath and still nervous about someone catching him with the thing he'd scanned the pages with eagerness.

And was instantly feeling guilty hot and embarrassed....which could only have been sexual arousal....there was nothing else it could have been because everybody knew that that was what one feels while staring at provocative (silly) pictures...and it wasn't like Devlin hadn't seen the shy guilty embarrassed looks some of the faces of other kids when they confessed for the first time at having heard/read/seen/done something.

So when he'd looked 'down there' to see the same as always it hadn't bothered him. He'd just started touching himself since he knew that was what came next. It felt.....like skin getting touched. Nothing else. Sure it didn't feel bad but it definitely didn't feel like something he'd impatiently anticipate being allowed a moment to go about doing or whatever. Tickled a little when he did it really lightly. Mostly it was silly and really boring.

Then he had to go to the bathroom. But no wait he had gotten harder so maybe he was really doing it! 

 Eventually his hand's pumping produced a squirt of white and a feeling of relief...... it hadn't been any different than if he'd only been going to pee....only messier.

He tried reading( without laughing at) the sex scenes in romance novels, both heterosexual and homosexual ones, and gotten the exact same results.

It was all so dumb! A chore with results not even worth the effort it took to do it.

It was possible that the problem was he needed to be doing it with another person. 

But that was just- yuck! Because seriously _why_ _would_ he?

He wasn't a big toucher anyway. He _liked_ friendly and caring touches, giving them and receiving them, with those he was close to.....they were something wonderfully special when they weren't from some personal-space invading stranger/none-comfortably familiar person ....So why did other people have to cheapen them so much? It all seemed so...faked. Like everyone else has some kind of internal behavior check-off list for what to want and what they are supposed to be doing when interacting with others! And it rather worried Devlin at times, like right then, that people couldn't seem to comprehend that the possibility of someone not having one of the idiotic things so that he was left floundering about lost amidst a sea of others preoccupied with ridiculously wasting their time and energy on what seems to him as dull....and fabricated. Cause really how much of those 'public displays of affection' are really real when they look so fake and more like public declarations of 'doing what I was always taught I want to do and be like'? He couldn't help it that he doesn't agree with the people laughing approvingly, saying stuff like 'will want it when they're older' and 'how cute', at the sight of a toddler kissing another one! Ugh! He always wants to yell at the people fawning over it that ' They're only doing it for attention and praise! That's not affection that's mimicry and acting'!

So yeah, as far as Devlin could work it out sex and romance where things that you were to pretend to like inorder to fit in and not ruin the whole big lie societies made up around wanting to have everyone willingly procreating like good livestock...

Gods, Devlin was tired and bored to death with it all!

Life was too short to be spending so much time, that could used to do something exiting and epic, on focusing on bodily functions!

He really needed to get a actual life....

The sudden and very unexpected bellow too close to his ear was jarring and made the frustrated anger inside want to irrupt.

"Hey DEVLIN! Are you even listening to us anymore?"

No.  

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Devlin 'might' actually eventually become 'in love' with someone (Demiromantic? Demisensual?) but he really isn't lying or fooling himself when it comes to his lack of sexual desires. I guess you could say he's 'mentally' asexual with absolutely no physical enjoyment from the act itself( of course the brain is really in charge of the body anyway but you know what I'm getting at)- and that's not going to change. He also evidently has some other uncommon personality traits, that some might erringly term defects, that make him think some of the things and ways he does- so not all of his opinions are rooted in his asexuality okay!
> 
> Oh I might also have him try having sex with someone and also there is this really hedonistic plant belonging to the emperor.....so I really might have to up the rating.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay we have a possably very dirty plant here...*blinks*...uh yeah, anyway can a 'sentient' plant be lecherous? When it doesn't have any physical gender? A physically asexual that's mentally sexualistic/hedonistic/sensualistic?

"Urquk!"

Evil vegetation is one of those staples of villainy that Zlyx....went his own way with.

He tended to have this 'thing' about stereotypes discrimination. Mostly he stomped uncaringly all over its... self-rightiousness.

As a tiny, young, toddling, future-military-terror-of-universes( but at the time mostly only good at his earliest developed skill of terrifying people with ways he could find to endanger himself) Zlyx had first shown his preference for unique recruiting...

By wandering away from his tenders and coming across a gelatinously/rubbery egg, about as big as he was, all milky iridescent cloudiness that was just barely transparent enough to see that there was something moving inside it!

Both his royal parents were always firmly positive( or was it positively firm) that the mental breakdowns two of the idiots, who were supposed to be watching over their baby, immediately suffered, and were forever after institutionalized for, had nothing to do with the fact that the teeny someday- ruler- of- all was found head, shoulders, and arms _inside_ his discovery after having evidently broken through the solid outer membrane to reach in for the one who was inside and pull it out....

His find ended up being adopted and named Ee. Becoming Zlyx's closest friend and the one who had to repeated suffer such idiocy as being automatically assumed to be his favorite sexual companion( because honestly what part of asexual were people not understanding- besides evidently everything).

But that was all really ancient history. Urquk was another matter long after that.

A high-pitched and rather annoying sounding giggle echoed from the other side of the door to the Head Spellmaster's private chambers.

Ee's big, round, multi-faceted eyes narrowed. " Spellmaster Urquk, your attendance is requested for a royal council! So move your pot!"

_Bang!_ "Now!"

The words caused the giggling to turn into a horrified squeak and dismay, that was no less of a pain for acutely sensitive ears to endure, followed by the obvious sounds of someone scrambling about the room in a rush.

Then the heavy portal was thrown violently open and some half-dressed willowy slip of feminity nearly ran into and right over Ee in her haste.

As it was the girl ended up recoiling in terror. Shocked eyes transfixing to the sight of the one infront of her. Taking in the pale gray/silver/lavender flesh, the insectoide eyes, the skullcap that covered a hairless head, the whip-like segmented tail, the long nose that was like a length of stretched out wax ,...

_The flat ungendered body. So entirely sexless that the otherwise humanoid chest didn't even have the most undersized of nubs, only two barely there usually impossible to see pin-pick sized spots like the faintest and flattest of freckles, and the blank skin at the juncture of its thighs( which along with tight flatness of its gluteal region had led to moronic speculations on whether or not its digestive tract actually went down that far)._

_And there were the long wickedly blade-like appendages with all those extra joints and bends that rumor claims could whip out and slice a person into pieces from across a room....._

_Most frightening of all though were the mockeries of marriage bands it routinely wore. Extraordinary belts, collars, bracelets, and armbands of exceptional quality and worth beyond imagining in a endless ongoing series of countless selections along with all the other stuff that Emperor Zlyx bestowed on his favorite in heaps. 'Everyone' knew that the two of them (the evil ruler for his part wore a ring) did it to represent visual and physical symbolic desecrating insult to the religious holy religions and unity they're making a travesty of._

_Right now the only thing Ee was wearing, other than the soft cap on its head, was a wide collar made entirely of mother-of-pearl. And everything that made it terrifying to her was right there looming infront of_ her!

 before continuing on into the room to seek out the emperor's spellmaster.

_"_ Urquk!"

" Yes, yes, what is it now?"

" Zlyx needs a Paladin."

"Really now? Huh! Ought to be interesting."

" It will be even more interesting if we don't hurry up and get back to him before he gets impatient as does it himself!" Because Zlyx was powerful. Very Incredibly Powerful. Unbearably. His magic was _too strong_ in fact. It tended to....go wild. With unexpected results. Like creating Urquk's people.

Radiating urgency, despite having no facial features, the twenty inch tall plant bounced hurriedly into sight. A cabbage/bromeliad/orchid combination type thing of geens, yellows, and orange. A few 'dangling tendrils' dragged a mixed collection of pots, jars, and books in its wake. "Alright, where's he at?"

"Last I saw, in the throne room trying to convince Bombo not to eat Louvffy."

A shutter ran through the spellmaster's leaves. " I have a freeze-ray that would work." Urquk still hadn't gotten over the time Bombo tried digging in his pot.

" No shooting the dog."

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry! I know what its like to wait and wait for slow authors and worry about the story not being continued but I am honestly really feeling really run down from my (minimum- wage) job. So my snail-pace writing is going even slower! Plus my sister is moving...But I haven't stopped writing anything!  
> I should point out that this chapter involves the fact that teenagers know/do/experience at lot more about sex than adults realize/ believe/ want to admit or remember from their own impatient youths. But the incident implied is not intended to have been anything really sinister. Just teenagers pushing things inorder to impress eachother with their daring and (non-existent) knowledge and experience.

_'_

 

Safely concealed in one of his best private spots - the little hidden, green tinted, space made by the branches of several, closely planted, bushes intertwining a few feet above the floor of the ground to make a cozy hollow, just big enough to still fit one scrawny teenager, in the center of untangleable vegetation. Devlin riffled through his game cards idly. Absently scanning the familiar and well memorized images and texts.

He flipped over the Pixies card from the magical beings suit of the species deck. 

_' .... some kinds of Pixies are among the tiniest of fairies. Most are usually sweet little beings flittering prettily from flower to flower or riding upon birds or insects with child-like innocence and joy....A weak, useless, and not very deep or workable choice as a option for a player to use as an active playing character....'_

"Devlin!"

Then the one for Urps.

' _......tiny blobby beings....chibi-ism gone wrong?...possibly distantly related to goblins and/or Blob Monsters.....'_

"Dev!"

Manticores.

' _.......excessively violent and antisocial which may be partly due to extreme territorialism combined with a long history of clashes and conflict with humanoid species....'_

" Oh come on Devlin stop being such a scared baby about it!"

" You're not fooling anyone you know!"

" You're not fooling anyone. You know you wanted it!"

No, he really hadn't. Not at all.

"She was hot you weirdo! Stop acting like you didn't like it!"

"Not liking sex isn't natural!"

"Everyone wants it!"

" Everyone likes it!"

" You liked it! I know it!"

It wasn't until a sharp sting on his palm pricked him back to attention that Devlin became aware that the Wyrm card was being bent and almost crushed in his fist. He worriedly released it to try and smooth out the cresses. _'Why is it always that I 'have to' like something I don't ?  If 'everyone' thinks something is so wonderful than why all the coercing and attempting to force the issue? If it was so great and inevitable there would be no reason to have to be told you want it and are going to do it wouldn't there?'_

" Aw forget it you stupid looser wuss! "

"Devlin?" Another familiar voice. Hesitant. Softer. And too close.

Oh hells, will the torture never end!

"You okay?" She was gazing into the wrong patch of bushes but it seemed like too much of an effort for him to bother to point that out. He didn't want to be found.

" Just fine." Opps, he hadn't meant to answer.

" Oh okay. Look, don't listen to those idiots. Not everyone wants the wild crazy party scene. Some people take things slow. With.... you know... someone special. So it will be a perfect joining for all eternity."

" Uh..."

" Don't worry it doesn't mean right away! But someday you're going to find the right person to fall in love with and want to settle down to raise a family just like everyone else!"

Oh. Great. Wonderful. There's that everyone/ everybody thing again. What is with that anyway?

He eyed the book lying abandoned in the corner leftover from one of his last 'self-exploration' experiments.

Devlin knew from books, from magazines, from tv and movies, and from years of watching adults and older kids then later his own friends and classmates what sort of things he was supposed to be thinking, and feeling, and reacting....at least he thought he did. But it all seemed so faked. He also knew that a lot of the stupidly boosting boys his age weren't really as comfortable and sure about it all as they pretended. Creepily it was as if people were expected to make themselves learn to like sex or something in order to fit in to a image that doesn't actually exist as far as Devlin could tell.

The list he'd made at one point with all the things that were meant to stimulate and inspire people to arousal by seeing/reading/hearing/ experiencing them was sticking out from under the book.

Things like being all slimy and stinky with sweat. Slobbering and drooling like you just had dental surgery. The sight of the parts of a body that look like raw meat or maybe that just shows that is what peoples' bodies are made up of on the inside- and dangerously uncooked food and cooked people were both awfully gross things to contemplate.....It was like the most repulsive things about peoples' bodies and functions were required without any explanation to be instantly considered irresistible allures when it came to the idea of sexual intercourse......it made no sense!

So why was he the weird one here?

 

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So pretty much what happened here was Devlin not only didn't bluff his way through some type of sexual come-on/ seductive teasing ( or whatever) but he didn't even hide his rejection of the whole thing. There was no influences of a teenager's flood of hormones driving him on here.


	5. Chapter 5

The obscuring shadows of the dark chamber seemed to drain into the pale skin as it transformed from the very extreme pale shade of white to the overwhelmingly deep black tone. In contrast the impossibly dark hair in turn brightened to spectral-white.

Narrowed eyes flamed as pale gold halos around the intently focused pin-pricks of ruby red pupil.

The prize glistened wetly in his fist.

Several of Zlyx's opponents rumbled louder.

Muscles were coiled to act.

" _Fetch!_ "  

The rubber ball flew high sailing across the throne room, on a course directed safely opposite where the smoking cauldron sat bubbling, with the moltly pack of hounds a chaotic mass of tangled bodies all intent on catching it.

"Sire!" A flustered call from a rather drab individual standing nervously before the throne prompted Ee to pause, in the finger-weaving of some thread and beads it was lazily doing while lounging on the dais, and direct the Dread Emperor's attention back to the matters of state with judicious use of a concealed finger-flicking against a royal foot.  

"Yes?" He'd almost forgotten the man, one of the secretarial staff and therefore part of the ever-changing undistinguishable flocks of officials that infested the place, was still there in the room.

" The letter?"

" What about it?" He'd already dictated the thing for the guy.

"Is that all you wish to say?" Real shock turned the voice high and squeaky.

"Oh yes. It will do for now. Send it."

"As is? I mean, it is rather a bit too...informal for a missive from one of such great and awesome power such as yourself. I assume you require me to, ah, polish it up a bit for you first of course?"

"No."

"B-but-."

" I  think what he means Your Majesty is that they may find your exaulted words inflammatory." Ee did not smirk or snicker along with the understatement.

"Okay." Fine by him.

"They are sure to declare war and try to invade!" The fellow was evidently new to the job.

Zlyx rolled onto his back, propping his legs up against the throne's backboard, and hanging his head upside-down off the edge of the seat. " They seem to have a thing for doing that don't they?"

" You wish to provoke them then?"

" Hard not to evidently."

"So that you might finally crush the puny souls and grind them all to dust beneath your victorious heels!" A dark feverish light ignited behind the eyes of the apparently still uncomprehending face.

" Why would I want to do something like that!" A slight twist and smooth slow flip later had the youthful ruler seated comfortably cross-legged on the floor looking at the new, and possibly about to be very ex, royal assistant in acute distaste for about half a second before the bright head then abruptly snapped alertly around to address the issues on the other side of the great chamber. "Urquk! That stuff is really starting to stink!"

" Its fine! Its-." Smoke billowed up into the rafters.

"Not supposed to be melting its pot."

" _Ahck! No!"_

There was few moments of rather crowded excitement and a lot of clanging metal.

_"_ I think you burned it."

" Its no good. Its ruined. All that time and work!" The sentient plant slumped in defeat.

"Not to mention smell." 

" We'll have to start the summoning spell over compleately."

"I still don't see why I can't be my own Champion." Zlyx was still rather put out by that. After all why should they have to be putting themselves through all this over something he didn't actually really need as far as he was concerned.

"Its against the rules. You're too powerful for it to be a fair competition. And you just dictated a provoking letter telling a bunch of law and government officials to send their greatest superhero on a date with his arch-nemesis. - Need I go on?" 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

"The Forces of Evil Are Attacking!"

Devlin looked around the big meeting hall at everybody gathered there trying to see if anybody actually believed that declaration. Didn't look like it. In fact everybody looked really bored and unimpressed. This was probably because this was the fourth time in a year that the Truiton Heralds had come to help save their world from evil encroachments of one kind or another. The last time it had been the threat of there being cross-dressers in their midst. Yet every person their so-called expert had singled out had been able to prove themselves irrefutably the gender they claimed to be( apparently there's nothing like being known to be former stripper who's also the mother of six when it comes to proving one is not a man pretending to be a woman). The whole thing had been one big embarrassment that wouldn't have been so bad for the locals reputation as well if some of the more 'outspokenly proud' residents hadn't taken it upon themselves to show all that they were ones able to uncover the real cross-dressing deviants in the ranks....and failed just as badly. And Devlin _still_ doesn't understand why he or anyone else should bother about what other people want to wear!  

Glancing around again he almost accidently made the mistake of making eye contact with Glindy Shoehorn and cringed. She was avoiding him at the moment. Because he had went on his first ever date, at least he was pretty sure it was a date, with her. And it had been a disaster. It had started off alright with just the two of them off alone together sharing a afternoon snack.

Then she had unexpectedly kissed him. Or maybe they kissed eachother. But she was the one to put her lips on his....

Only to immediately jerk right away from him again and back away looking upset. " I can't! I know I'm supposed to want to but I'm just not ready to go through with any of this yet! I won't! And I won't let you and everybody else pressure me into it either!" Bursting into tears she then ran away. 

And that was that.

So now neither of them could even bear being in the same room together with out  both of them drowning in mortification.

Dating was officially the worst hell ever invented. 

And Devlin was through with them. That decision had loosed something that had been tight and constricted deep inside and it was like it was now easier to breath.

" Power levels emanating from the Dread Castle, and current residence, of the Evil Overlord Zlyx are on the rise!"

Wow that really was something interesting!

" Smoke has been spotted issuing forth!"

.......Uh, what? That's it? What's the big deal about that? After all anyone with a fireplace has smoke coming from their chimmnies.

He wasn't the only one looking rather unimpressed about this great revelation either.

The Herald's spokesperson finally gave up the theatrical act and stopped with all the dramatic pausing. " Look you backwater morons the news is he's summoning himself up a Dark Paladin to be his champion who will go forth and slaughter the hell out of all of us for him!" 

Oh, Yikes. That-that was a reason to worry.

Now people were frightened. At least one person actually started crying. But mostly it was all a riseing babble of worried and confused agitation.

Voices rushed and tight low and high all with essentially the same thought. "What do we do!"

" WE Will Find The Dark Warrior First!"

_What!_

For the first time in his life Devlin truly got to experience what it meant when they say a room erupted in chaos. It seemed like every single person there was either screaming and shouting at the top of their lungs or else fainting and knocking over and tripping all those around them.

 " Are you mad!"

"That's insaine!"

"Oh Gods!"

"We're All Going To Die!"  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am poking a little gentle fun at all those romance novels with the beautiful woman dressing like a boy and only the hero sees right through it as well as the other clichés about who could always see past any disguise like that instantly and without fail.


	7. Chapter 7

In a now pitch-black room four figures huddled around a cauldron. The only remaining feeble source of light came from a lone sputtering candle.

 "What was that?"

"What?"

" Didn't you guys feel that just now?"

"No."

" Feel what?"

"That tickling."

"Uh, no."

"Nope"

"Not me."

"Oh."

There was a moment of silence followed by,

" Anybody else bored yet?"

"Nothing seems to be happening."

"This obviously isn't working."

The candle flame burned lower dying as the smoke from the pot grew thicker around then and rose higher.

"Now what?"

The candle finally sank to a pale blue line that edged the tip of the wick...and died.

Then with a sound like a large mattress having been dropped from a height the smoke turned a brightly glowing indigo and shot through a upper window with a loud explosion of shattering glass and metal.

" _Move!_ " The urgent command wasn't needed though since they were all jumping back and scrambling to get out of range of the falling glass that came down in a sharp clatter of sound and stingingly cutting rain.

"It Worked!"

"If you say so."


	8. Chapter 8

'I'm stuck in a room with stupid crazy people who're about to get us all killed!' it was unbelievable. Didn't those idiots realize they were suggesting dropping a murderous fiend into a group of people who were pretty much completely defenseless? There had been some words about the strength of their resoluteness and goodness overcoming impossible odds- But honestly, this was madness! Dark Paladins were huge and nasty killers, who went about slaughtering armies for fun, and that would see a whole bunch of unarmed civilians the same way a cat would a nest of baby mice.... a easy snack.

Devlin _really_ didn't want to be a snack! It would entirely ruin all his future plans of having a future. Plus it sounded painful and Devlin had yet to encounter any pain he actually liked! So, no, no no he did not like any of this happening at all now.

Up front the community leaders, as far as Devlin could tell anyway because its not like he knew who/what they all actually were other than boring old people who like to make dull speeches all the time, were arguing, with eachother and the heralds, while a small number of the visitors had taken it upon themselves to just go ahead and start with the spellworking already anyway.

Outside the sunshine ubrupty vanished behind some heavy clouds.

One of the Good Wizards was drawing glowing lines in the air making a pattern.

There was a twist in his gut at the sight of it. And when it started to become clear Devlin knew he was going to be sick. Because it was the crest of the Evil Overlord Emperor Zlyx.   

The floating lines weren't fading away either. Instead they grew more and more solid. The shadows of the spaces between became indentations as the whole image flowed together to shape a single physical object. 

All to soon there was an actual medallion, like the kind some officials wore as badges of office, floating near the ceiling with coils of bright orange smoke twisting around it like grasping tentacles fumbling with something too smooth and slippery for them to be able to get a good grip on. 

_'I don't want to see what's going to happen next.'_ The door was somewhere to his left. He needed to find it and get out of there fast and then get just as far away as he possible-

Why was there smoke coming in from under the door? And why was it...purple?

The billowing indigo collided head-on with the hovering vibrant tangerine.

_'That's going to turn a ugly color.'_   Was the only thing he had time to think before everything went white-

-And then the world went away..... 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little Intermission with an offering of some outside perspectives.

When powerful outside forces had risen up in opposition it hadn't upset the Heralds working the spells. After all having the powers of darkness reacting wildly in response to their actions had to be a good sign...

Having the shadowy image of The Dread Dark Paladin of The High Evil Overlord rearing up in the middle of a crowd of civilians- obviously wasn't. People had reeled back from the suddenly towing shape boiling unexpectedly into existence and abruptly occupying a large chunk of room-space. Like-wise the mass hysterics going on in the crowd had amplified ten-fold.

As far as demonic warriors went it looked like an impressive but fairly standard style. Built with a body that made it look like a triangle standing balanced on the tip of one of its points. Positioned in the juncture where the bulked heaps of muscular lumps, that passed for chest/shoulders/back came together like colliding landmasses, sat a comparatively miniscule-to-nearly- nonexistent bump of a head. A pair of tall twisting horns, or possibly tusks, since shadow structures were not known for being great on exact details, rose in the air like those of some large ox or massive goat breed.

Orange and purple illumination highlighted the smoke construct and off-set the gleam of the glowing image of the pendant inscribed with the mark of Zlyx that sat centered over the place where his heart theoretically would be.

The monstrous impression radiated danger and leashed power even though it did nothing more than hover there unmoving above the small form of an unconscious local kid and gazed around looking blankly unresponsive to all the panic it was causing. 

Three other of the backwater planet's residents weren't so willingly avoiding the villain either and were hovering round it in a kind of agitated determination.

"Dev!"

"Devlin!"

Evidently they were the fallen kid's parents and....whatever that boy there was. 

"The aura has attached itself to that child. I believe we have successfully located and identified the Knight of Darkness' latest incarnation." The head of the heros' spellcasters side-comented to the rest of the search party.

"I believe you are right. Contain him." If they could capture that essential enemy-

But it was already too late. The child and the persona of evil were already gone -spirited away in a whirl of eerie vapor. The commanding officer was forced to deftly change his plan mid-call. " Put out a mass alert. Find the thing. Stop it. Catch it. Kill it if necessary or possible." A tilt of his head indicated the three civilians. " And get everything you can about the kid from those ones there."

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still working at this one! Real Life has been causing a lot of upheavals for my family this year. And every time I feel like I'm getting my footing back something else has happened. Unfortunately the main way I've been unintentionally expressing how affected I am is in not being able to get any new chapters finished with any speed.

When the cauldron gave up, and gave in to the urge to slump into slag, the fire below it and the boiling mixture inside were helpfully accomidating in canceling each other out and took away the point of origin for the cloying smoke which could then finally be persuaded to dissipate, being shooed away in sulky puffs of billowing stink from even its hiding places amoung the upper vaults arching over the throne room surroundings, leaving only smears of greasy residue coating places...and a cooling puddle of melted medal ( and other stuff) making an unsightly lump on the floor....as well as ' _Ow!'_  glass shards scattered everywhere crunching underfoot( the cleaning staff was sooo going to hate them for that) there was nothing in the spot where the Dread Champion was to have appeared... well, nothing remotely paladin-like anyway. Just a skinny kid with brown hair. And freckles...and- _Great powers, was it actually a human!_  Licking automatically the burning sting, where a few lucky grains of flying shrapnel had managed to nick the sensitive webbing, between her fingers, Goo continued to eye their strange delivery.

Their accidental acquisition did nothing more interesting than continue to lay there in the center of the carefully drawn arcane symbols like a sleeping puppy. Yup, it really was looking more and more evident that it really was only nothing more than a young mortal human. A real one. Unembellished thankfully and therefore not another damn avatar (as in one of those constructed alternate personas that double as displays of their creator's vanity) like those that Goo had been taking out since she was barely more than a tadpole herself. This kid, -instead of that blank characterless plasticity- had asymetricalities and individualities of features. Kinda appealing sure, like her own children when they had been young, but also undeniedly amusingly disheveled and revoltingly yucky from being quite drenched in that nasty putrid smoke/slime put out by that stupid spell, not to mention completely and utterly useless to them right then. Unless they felt like using the kid as bait to distract their opponents...hmmm, there was quite a lot of trouble one could accomplish while your enemy was too busy posturing and making affectionate expressions at bystanders. Unfortunately as advisor and ranking general of her master's military forces, she wasn't seeing any benefits to this or possible reasons for being at all impressed by this newest...complication. Yes it was good that they weren't getting stuck with the lousy option of a big, mindless, killing machine that they'd be forced to constantly wrangle and keep tightly hobbled and leashed when the jerk was not being directed at the opposition. Which would have been too reminiscent of her husband. Fighting and drinking had been that lug's only interests. And sex. But that had been okay since she'd only been interested in having offspring. That is the after they were born parts of it only, since all the creating them parts of the process had been several hundred kinds of nasty, and not because he had been in anyway more unpleasant than any other she had been with- just that she had never figured out what was nice about one individual's body parts being in contact with another's.  

"Well that's not what I'd have expected." Leaves drooping in disappointment Urquk gave the culprit spell book a angry shake. Who knew what that was intended to accomplish- it wasn't like a better paladin candidate would fallout of it...right?

"You could have grabbed something a bit, I don't know,..bigger maybe?" Yes, that sounded nice and diplomatic. She took an embarrassingly tentative step nearer the still unmoving, and pathetically helpless, figure. Not that she was worried about the thing or anything..it was just that with it being so quiet and still like that...

"Toss it back." Evidently his overlordship wasn't up to being diplomatic right then though. From the look on his face he was more than clearly done with going along with this plan. Couldn't really blame him. What a mess. 

" According to the spell, which I did do right so don't give me that look, this is the right person."

" It's a kid. A kid with freckles." Ee was displaying the frozen stilted manner of one who just knew they would probably accidently break their new find if it breathed wrong.

" Get rid of it." Terrific,their ruler was not touching this with a hundred foot pole, or spear, or pike. Humans were rediculasly fragile. Zlyx honestly really did have some measure of control, no matter what some people might say otherwise, he had to with his powers. Even if it didn't always look or sound like it. If Zlyx didn't have as much control as he did then everything and everyone would have already been destroyed a long time ago and the question of his maturity would have been a moot point. But in some ways he was rather child like, or even less like sexually hormonal adults than even the pre-pubecent with their still- undeveloped genetics, in a manner that proved that not only don't all children get along and understand eachother but that people who are actually real true children 'at heart' are no different in that( not to mention are NOT nessessarily the comfortably natural babysitter types).

"Him. Not it. It's a boy... as far as I can tell." _'Who cares! That doesn't tell us what to do with him!'_

" Zlyx-?" Already the plant was looking at the human with way too much fondness.

"No."

"Sire!" Okay so maybe she was getting attached too. It wasn't like the urge to be nurture the poor lost thing would make her less of a tough intimidating soldier...maybe she'll just take a moment and go grab a few blankets. And some soap.

"N _ot_ what we need! Not happening." 

" Well we have it- I mean him now."

"So now what?"

"He's waking up."

Oh goody.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So given that Asexuality and Androgyny are also not exclusive to one another and that they don't necessarily mean that the person is Asensual( non-romantic, or otherwise capable of deep emotional attachments), Demisensual, or whatever else along those lines I'm thinking of writing a sequel that introduces a (physically) Male Asexual Character to this set-up.


End file.
